I made the last two posts private because I realized that I was being overly harsh.

I realize why in the past, through high school and a lot of college, I chose anger…. everything is too complex when I try to actually figure it all out; it’s a lot easier just to be angry.

I think it’s why I don’t really know what to do with affection, how to react, how to be emotional.  Except for anger.  I’m good at being angry, I did it for so long it’s my fallback emotion.  My baseline state.  At least, outwardly.  But beneath that I’m just as confused as everyone else is.  At least, I assume everyone else is confused as well.

And by nature I am suspicious and uncomfortable about change.

And all of these things conspired together to (I fear) motivate me to act horribly while I was here this time.

It’s not my intention to drive anyone away.  Not from me, not from my dad.  It’s all just my twisted attempt at self protection, some weird instinct that kicks in, that I can’t control.  For some reason I just think everything will be a lot better if I build a whole bunch of walls around myself and the people I’m used to.  That I can magically keep everything exactly the same forever by just making myself into a human barrier.

I just hope, genuinely hope, that I haven’t done anything I can’t reverse.

Will I always go through my life feeling like such an idiot?

Again, I’m breaking the no-politics rule… but I was just reading the blogs and I stumbled across this pearl by Rick “I Can’t Tie My Own Shoes” Santorum, who waited a bit but finally had to find a venting outlet for his gay marriage induced man-on-dog fantasies.

So on my birthday (woohoo!) the CA District Court overthrew a ban on gay marriage because, duh, it’s blatantly unconstitutional. And, according to Little Ricky, that was the same day that men in California started having sex with their dogs. (And, possibly, photographing the whole thing and emailing it to Santorum’s office).

I don’t want to rehash the whole anti-gay marriage screed because, embellished man-on-dog details aside, it’s basically the same everywhere. And it’s always completely based on strawmen and reverse logic, is never statistically backed up (oh right, there are no statistics that really back it up…) and is, in general, stupid and backwards.

BUT - he brought up some silly points I just want to poke at. First - the whole idea that anti-discrimination laws are somehow discriminatory to bigots… a common Fundie argument since they don’t have anything else. Let’s get clear about the law here (I have to forgive these guys though, there’s really only one law school that’ll accept them and it happens to be Bob Jones University…) - it’s not illegal to be a bigot. You can hate anyone you want without getting in legal trouble - unfortunately for the rest of us, stupidity and ugliness are not generally illegal in this country. You only get in trouble when you actually try to use that bigotry to harm someone else.

He makes the argument that THE GAY MARRIAGE VOTE WILL SHUT DOWN CHURCHES AND KILL GOD BY REMOVING TAX EXEMPT STATUS OMG OMG OMG. Because, as he says, churches that preach anti-*anything* screed will lose their federal tax protection and that somehow is the same as being illegal. I realize this may be a complex train of thought for most of these folks, but let me try to be clear: It’s not illegal to preach in your church (nor, unfortunately, will it ever be); however, (as one Pandagon commenter put it) tell the congregation they’ll be excommunicated for voting for a gay candidate, and BAM you lose your funding and federal protection.

And anyway - churches already discriminate based on religion, a protected class. A Catholic church is not obligated to marry two Jews, a synagogue not obligated to marry two Protestants, etc… and they’re not facing legal trouble for it. Exclusion and discrimination are the nature of religion, they have to show us what not to be like in order to teach us what to be like. So I don’t understand why they get their panties in such a knot over adding gays to the list of protected classes that their federally tax-exempt church can officially discriminate against.

WHICH leads me to my second point. In his article he goes into uncontrollable spasm over churches and religious organizations losing their tax protections. I have to admit, I read that and had to re-read it several times to figure out that he was casting it as a bad thing - at first I thought he was providing one good possibility of an outcome from the crazy string of logic he laid out.

Let me go out on another limb here and make another crazy prediction. Within 10 years, clergy will be sued or indicted for preaching on certain Bible passages dealing with homosexuality and churches, and church-related organizations will lose government contracts and even their tax-exempt status.

Quick! Somebody call the WAAAAmbulance!

Hmm… let’s see. Cancellation of federal protection for churches… church-affiliated organizations losing government contracts and other boons just for preaching… that sounds like further separation of church and state to me! What business does the government have supporting churches anyway?! “Church-related organizations” getting government contracts - that sounds like it should be illegal in this country. If you can prove non-profit legal status based on reasons OUTSIDE of simply being a church (genuine charity, community development, etc), fine. Otherwise (Tammy Faye Baker?), why exactly do you deserve tax exemption?

I’d be happy as shit if my tax dollars were no longer going to support religious organizations against my choice. It’s borderline money laundering that my federal taxes are currently going to these groups to protect them from paying federal taxes, and to allow them to send missionaries overseas and within the US to harvest souls.

Because these groups aren’t about community development anymore, they’ve been hijacked by Right Wingers using them to snuggle up to the US Government, who after 8 years of the current regime will gladly push their interests forward, while continuing to evangelize… on my dime.

So cry me a river about religious tax exemption and man-on-dog action - I haven’t heard one single, legitimate, well reasoned argument as to why the decision was anything other than a genuine triumph of an independent judiciary, and a needed recheck to the Bush-era legal machine.

Could that be because there simply isn’t a good argument to be made? Hmm.

It’s unbelievable - I can’t believe I’m really moving on Thursday.  Well, the moving company gave us a window of Thursday-Saturday when the truck would come… but it’s hard just imagining that in only a few days I’ll be heading out of this town…

I can’t believe I’ve lived here for 2 years.  I know it’s strange, but more than anywhere I can think of (except Seattle, I guess) - this place feels like home.  I really managed to create roots in DC, and as much as I hate this city I also love it, and I feel like I belong here.  I mean, just the other day I was standing outside my apartment building in the rain and managed to steal some tourist’s cab… I laughed about it when he was being all mad and soaked, and then I realized - who else but a city resident could do that, and not sweat it when the stupid tourist yelled at me? 

I realized that as much as I’ve missed Seattle over the past 6 years, and dreamed of going back, now that I am really going to do that… I’m sad.  I always want to be the person who steals that guy’s cab.  I always want to remember how to drive in this city, want to be able to navigate my way from any point to any other point, want to feel like I know the city…

I’m not questioning my decision to move back home.  I’m just realizing how much my two years here in DC have really meant to me.  I can’t believe that I moved here the day I graduated college, having never even been to the city… my dad helped me move in to my studio apartment in Dupont at the time… and then when he went home, I was really alone in a big city for the first time in my life.  And it’s amazing, how well I did - that summer I had 2 jobs, made friends, learned my way around, learned how to drive here (and parallel park!) - then I moved into a bigger apartment, started graduate school… I held my life down and, I really think, grew up & changed a lot.

I know a lot has changed since I moved here.  This city symbolizes moving on from a bad relationship in college, but it also symbolizes a lot of growing up in other aspects too.  I know I’m not shy anymore, after living here - the city made me more assertive, sometimes even aggressive… I’m more confident, sure in my ability to live on my own as an adult… I’ve found my partner, Liz, and am enjoying a real, adult non-college relationship…

It’s a lot to process in a short time, but I’m sure I’m really going to miss this place.  A lot more than I thought.  I hope that can coexist with being happy in Seattle.

I don’t know how many of you have been in the hospital? It’s an incredibly dehumanizing process, very violating, very invasive, I found it terrifying, lonely, and crushingly depressing.

I also realized, on top of that, how terrifying it is to have a serious illness, to be in serious pain and be at the total mercy of nurses, doctors, and basically total strangers.

Now I am trying to work out some things about my life; There was one doctor at the hospital, Dr. Zucker, who I really respected and liked a lot, and she told me all of the possible causes of pancreatitis. I know that it was most likely auto-immune, but the fact is I never want to feel that pain again, and I am suddenly acutely aware of how fragile my body is, and how careful I need to be with it, and how careless I have been in the past.

I’m seriously re-evaluating my choices in terms of how I take care of myself. Diet seems pretty obvious - I’m on a pretty severely restricted diet for about 6 weeks and clear liquids for at least this week. But more than that, I have begun to realize the negative effects of the chemicals I put in my body. Not just smoking or drinking or inorganic foods - but medicines too. Obviously, after my restricted diet ends, I am going to finally make the move to a completely organic diet (not vegetarian, but additive/etc free). No chemicals, no antibiotics, no nitrates - nothing but food in my food, thank you very much.

But the serious re-evaluation, the hard thinking, comes down to the other meds I’ve been taking. I have always believed in balance, and I’m not going to go radical and stop all medications including antibiotics and what-have-you, because I think that’s just as harmful as loading up on chemicals, but things, I think, will change.

It turns out that most of the medications I have been taking can cause pancreatitis as a fairly common side effect - can you imagine, I have been mindlessly loading my body with these powerful chemicals without even really understanding what they were capable of doing to me??

The fact is that as the patient, I am the consumer, and I have the right to make a choice about my care. I have the right to refuse any treatment, or to revoke consent at any time from any treatment; I will make sure that my decision is informed (that’s my responsibility to myself) but the decision is mine and it is my health care provider’s job to respect me and that decision.

I have also been looking for an herbalist in DC for a consultation. I know herbs are chemicals as well, and I’m not so excited about switching from one set to another, so that’s not the key, but I’d be interested to hear if there were some alternative pancreas-friendly options for me, or if there were some long-term natural diets I could try that might help prevent a relapse in the future.

I guess I am looking at this experience as a wake-up call. Though it’s true that there was probably an underlying genetic condition that obviously has nothing to do with me or my choices, I also think that this was in part my body telling me that I have not been respecting it. My week in the hospital was terrifying, soul crushing, miserable, painful, and I never want to repeat it, so I am making a promise to myself to start treating my body like it deserves to be treated, to question everything I choose to put in it, and to do everything I can to keep my pancreas, immune system, and everything else happy and running smoothly.

Wish me luck on my new journey, and share any tips if you have them.

Well if anyone was wondering where I was last week - here’s the answer.  I was admitted to GW Hospital Tuesday morning with acute pancreatitis, which was probably the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life.  I went to the ER after Liz woke up and found me sobbing in bed at 6am, they admitted me at 3pm, and I spent the week on the Medical Floor in bed on morphine, nausea medicine, and antibiotics. 

Thankfully they let me out this morning once I could drink water and keep some broth down, but I look like a beat up old heroin addict from all the needle marks and bruises (they kept drawing blood because they couldn’t figure out what caused it) - and I’m homebound all week.

Turns out I have a genetic (I inherited it from my mom) auto-immune disease that causes me to occasionally make antibodies to my own organs and tissue… awesome.  So this will probably be a recurring thing until they come up with a good cure for auto-immune problems. 

Sadly this means that I will not be graduating until July 31 - I’ll walk on Friday at the ceremony but because I couldn’t finish a paper I can’t get a diploma.

So I’m on clear liquids and bedrest all week… if anyone’s interested in keeping me company and/or has ever wanted to know what I’m like on a shitload of pain medicine, just come by :)

That was not a fun experience.

 

When I’m feeling better/more lucid/etc I want to write a post about the dehumanizing and eugenicist nature of institutionalized medicine, and our society’s pathology regarding pain medicine; remind me to do that in a couple of days, I have a lot of good things to say about it.

I just want to get one thing clear - I’m a Mac user. For years now the battle lines have been drawn for me - ever since my senior year of college when my PC laptop crashed catastrophically and took my undergraduate honors thesis down with it, I swore I would never go back. That day I went online, bought a PowerBook G4, and never looked back. Until yesterday, I was the proud owner of two computers, a Macbook Pro second generation and an iMac second generation desktop, both of which I loved and got very attached to.

So when I got the bad news from law school: that I would have to buy a PC laptop because law school exam and state bar exam software don’t work on Mac computers, I went through the five stages of grief. I denied it, I bargained, but I finally gave in and started shopping for a laptop.

I was faced with a huge dilemma. How do I buy a PC? The last time I bought a PC laptop, processor chips were singular (not core 2 duo), Windows was ME or NT, and all the numbers made sense! Ack! I was afraid. And I knew I would need time to acclamate to my new computer, since, as a media and graphic artist computers are an extension of me as a person and I really have to know them, not just use them. That meant I would have to buy it sooner, rather than later - I knew it would be a better decision to go ahead and buy the computer now, and get used to using it, re-acclamate to the PC-lifestyle and all the changes in PCs since I left them, than wait until the day before law school starts and be completely lost and disoriented on my first day.

So I took the plunge. Yesterday I dragged Liz and our friend Ruben down to Pentagon City, because I thought I wanted a Sony Vaio, and there’s a Sony Style store there. Well I thought I wanted one until I saw the price tag - no matter what I might be getting, I’m sorry to say, $2100 is a bit too steep for me. So I turned around and walked straight out of the store; nothing in the world could have talked me into that ‘bargain.’

We walked over to Best Buy where the prices were a little less discouraging and the salespeople a little more helpful, and I played the ‘helpless idiot girl’ act and got the salesman to tell me the basics of the new Windows Vista stuff and what the new numbers on PCs mean. He was trying to push me into a Toshiba, which I’m kind of allergic to ever since they were the high school issue laptops, and I knew I didn’t want a Dell, so I found something that was nice and seemed perfect: an HP Special Edition. It had everything I needed and a little more for less than $800, 4gb of RAM (which on a Mac is a lot but apparently on a PC with Vista is just enough), lots of hard drive space, it’s nice and small (13″ screen), and it has a great little tattoo design on the back and inside. It’s light, so it’ll be easy to carry around, and it’s small too. Plus, it pleases the graphic designer in me, so that’s a plus; as opposed to its brick-like cousins who made me cringe.

Now. What I’m about to say is controversial. I’ll admit I was utterly lost for the first few hours as I opened the box, installed Office (what the hell is OneNote?!) and tried to get the hang of this - but I have to say, I actually kind of like Windows Vista. I know it’s not trendy to say this, but I like the way it looks, I like the way it acts, I like the feel of it. Now I know I’m inclined to go with design over function and maybe this is my aesthetic side betraying me, but I enjoy the Vista experience. I even stayed with Internet Explorer just because I like the look of it. Crazy, huh?

Now I’m sure I’ll change my tune the first time the whole system crashes (something I’m not used to after years of Mac-usership) but for now, I’m a happy camper.

I usually try to avoid anything political here, but I can’t always succeed.   I saw something on the news today that I just have to vent about because, well - a favorite webcomic sums it up pretty well here:

xkcd, and me

This morning on CNN, there was an article commenting on immigration rights marches, that inevitably involve undocumented immigrants, demanding immigration reform measures to be top priority for the next American president.  The title of the article was: “Mexican flag waving’s one bad tactic,” and it was written by Latino-American opinion writer Ruben Navarrette, Jr.  And here’s where I begin to take issue: first - an opinion piece, which wasn’t labeled as such, simply does not belong among the top headlines on a news website, where it blends in with facts and figures and purports to be fact unless you look closely enough (which most people reading the news, sadly, do not) - one person’s opinion is not fact to be taken along with the daily news.  But that’s just the beginning.

Reading the article it doesn’t take long to realize that this opinion piece is nothing more than a thinly-veiled screed against immigration-rights reform and activism to that end, and a particularly insidious form of it no less.  Let’s take the first sentence that jumps out, from the first paragraph:

…illegal immigrants are in no position to demand anything, except maybe a window seat on the deportation bus..

So here, the essence of the argument is basically that the best strategy for marginalized populations is to stay silent, and just really really hope that things will change for the better for them.  And then if they hope hard enough (and, of course, quietly and out of the way of the white/privileged majority), things really will change!  Because that’s how things have always changed in this country, right?  Minorities and marginalized populations have quietly and politely crept up to the master’s table and asked, piece by piece, for some shadow of equality that ‘they’ should ‘just be happy with’ already.

Fucking wrong. The essence of the article was pretty simple at its core - though veiled in journalistic eloquence: how dare you take to the streets and make yourselves visible, demanding rights and justice? Navarrette’s resentment towards the people taking to the streets was clear from the beginning of the article - no matter how hard he tried to hide it; the entire piece parroted the dangerous and ugly sentiments of the people on the wrong side of the civil rights movement, and then the women’s rights movement and gay rights movements, that ‘these people’ should ‘learn their place,’ and worst, he perpetuates the circular logic of marginalization: that silenced populations have no voice because there’s some virtue in their silence.

Real and lasting change comes from running through the process — illegal immigrants becoming legal residents, and legal residents becoming U.S. citizens who can vote and run for office.

Well, in a perfect world this might be right - except that here the process is broken, racist, and slanted against people who have for whatever reason come to this country without documentation.  It’s basically impossible, without some type of immigration reform, to take Mr. Navarrette’s advice - so here’s our argument: Don’t engage in activism for immigration reform, just go and get citizenship, which, because of our racist system, is impossible and will be impossible without serious immigration reform.  Brilliant.

If Navarrette had his way, undocumented immigrants would stay comfortably away from his world view and off of his neighborhood streets - they wouldn’t be out waving flags and demanding the rights and justice that every human being deserves based on the fact that they are human beings, regardless of citizenship, nationality, ethnicity, race, gender, sexuality, religion, or any other category or classification.  If Navarrette got his way, he could continue to construct them as second-class human beings, as less-worthy of rights and respect, and he could continue to expect them to cower and be somehow grateful for whatever tiny movement on immigration reform manages to come through the US government process.

I sincerely hope he won’t get his way.

But, you say, Navarrette is Latino-American, so surely, this can’t be an example of racism.  Surely, you remind me, he speaks on behalf of the undocumented immigrants’ “best interests.”  Well aside from the fact that nobody but oneself speaks on behalf of one’s own best interests - this is, I think, a most insidious example of our system’s deep racism.  Racism and privelege, or working for the greater good?  Let me quote Navarrette again:

So which came first — the chicken or the huevos rancheros?

It seems to me that this article was nothing more than racist propaganda, under the guise of “news,” further under the guise of “advice on ‘good civics’”.

The most dangerous part of this article is that it’s just too easy for people to read it and say, hey here’s this Latino-American guy who agrees with me, and it’s on CNN, so it’s not racist and it must be right, I guess it’s okay to think this way.

Well it’s not, and Mr. Navarrette may have done a lot more harm than he’ll ever realize - so shame on him, but even more than that, shame on you CNN, for printing this nonsense and tacitly consenting to it alongside news headlines and, in the minds of god knows how many people, thereby making it fact.

So I know I’m always the last one to the party when it comes to this stuff, but I have to share. I’ve been watching this ongoing trend in photography - it started when I saw some photographs by people on Flickr and then some in galleries and thought, you know, that shouldn’t be possible. I mean, it shouldn’t be possible to take that photo - with that amount of light, shadow, and detail all around.

And it turns out, it’s not.

It’s called High Dynamic Range, or HDR, photography - and it involves taking multiple photos at multiple exposures, then layering them and mapping the tones (plus some playing with the color curve), to get stunning photographs with perfect light, perfect shadows, perfect detail all around. Basically - you can get perfect sunsets without washed out people, and perfect landscapes without blank or too-bright skies.

When I first saw the technique, I thought it must be really difficult, so I decided not to go there. But I read a few tutorials and investigated, and I decided to give it a try. So I downloaded Photomatix, the program you need to map the multiple photographs onto each other, and I already have Aperture and Photoshop, and it was actually pretty easy.

Granted, I’m just getting started and I know that I have only discovered about 1/100th of what Photomatix can do - but let me just tell you, it’s amazing.

Here are some first tries. Since I’m just getting started, they’re nothing spectacular, but it’s definitely an exciting new realm nonetheless.

So aside from the fact that the frame on the last one looks retarded (sorry, that’s another thing I’m teaching myself how to do on Photoshop) - I’m learning the ropes of the HDR process. These photos aren’t spectacular because I kind of cheated… rather than take three separate shots, I actually just used Aperture to manipulate old photos into three versions with exposures that I changed after the fact. I can’t wait to try it with three different photographs.

This is a really exciting technique for me… I’ve been letting my digital media/art tools gather dust for a long time now and this was just the edge I needed to draw me back into the fold. I can’t wait to see what I create!

The signs are adding up: tomorrow is my last day of work at the Think Tank, final papers due May 6 and May 8, graduation May 16, then two weeks until we load the cats in the car and make for the West Coast.

I can’t believe how much time has passed. I was at lunch the other day listening to my boss talk about his favorite clubs in the city, and you know - before that I really thought I was quite the DC denizen - but listening to him I realized there is so much of this city I have missed since I got here two years ago. I know I’ll miss the city, but I have to wonder: will the city miss me? Sometimes the only thing reminding me I’m a DC resident is my overwhelming rage at vapid tourists on the metro. Tomorrow night though, we’re seeing OK Go, The Hush Sound, and Panic! At the Disco @ DAR Constitution Hall… so I’ll be sure to let you know how that goes.

I also can’t believe my last day of work is here. I mean, for all the pissing and moaning I did about having to wake up at 8am, I look back and realize I actually didn’t have a bad experience there. That’s so typical of me - I’ll hate something while I’m doing it, then as I’m about to leave it, suddenly I realize I’ve actually loved it all along and never want anything to change. It’s weird though, all this expectation for The Last Day. I guess they’ll take me out to lunch (if they remember I exist… I always basically thought I was the Meg Griffin of my team) and I’ll make some comments about law school and it’ll be awkward and laden with expectations of me telling them what a great experience I had, and them telling me what a great intern I’ve been. So we’ll do all that. And then at 5pm I’ll walk out the door, and the finality of it will crash onto my head and I’ll probably do something idiotic like start crying.

Lastly, on this disjointed laundry-list of things that is the insanity of my past week or so… the weekly newsflash of my dysfunctional family is that I am apparently not important enough to warrant an international phone call from my father, who is vacationing abroad, to let me know he is extending his vacation. He told my grandmother, who I rarely talk to - but serendipitously I did to talk to her the day he told her - but if he hadn’t told her, I would be stroking out at this point! I mean seriously - if you are traveling abroad, and you extend your vacation, you call your family! Because at this point, three days after they were supposed to return home, with no contact and no idea where they were - I’d be at the embassy of the country they traveled to filing a missing persons claim, and he’d get dragged off the beach by INTERPOL… all because he couldn’t bother to call me.

I mean, I’ve already been drifting in and out of irate moods (for various reasons, notably certain controversies that I can not escape on the blogs I read no matter how hard I try to ignore them) - so for full disclosure I’ll say I’m somewhat susceptible to becoming more irate by an aloof dad who refused to inform me of his desire to remain 10,000 miles away from me; but nonetheless, it doesn’t help sweeten my mood at all.

The point of this entry: I hope that newfound freedom (for freedom here, read: time to write papers) and a rockin rock concert tomorrow night will lift the curse of crankiness that has slipped over me the past few days. Fingers crossed.

This is a very strange time for me, I have so much on my mind and yet I’m feeling totally blocked - I haven’t been able to write any of it down anywhere; I’ve barely been able to talk to Liz about it (though I have, in bits).

This blog was started as part of an ongoing journey in self-discovery (and an exercise in much-needed self-censorship), but I have to say I think I’ve let myself down in that respect.  I’ve kept part of my bargain - there are some meaningful entries here, but in the long term I think I could have done more.  And I intend to, I certainly read blogs constantly, every day, from the personal to the political to  everything inbetween.

I think my problem is, I don’t know how to start this one.

Here’s the thing - this might be one of the hardest journeys/admissions/confessions I’ve ever made in my life, it’s not something that happened overnight (see this post I wrote three years ago which I have unlocked over at my livejournal), but it’s something that cuts right into the heart of who I am - what I believe, how I view the world, how I interact with it, how I process it - and, I fear, how others will interact with me.

As I was trying to explain it to Liz a couple of nights ago, she came up with a (somewhat) apt metaphor: faith is, essentially, making a bet - having faith in something doesn’t mean you know there’s a God or that your church is correct, but you’re betting it is, and that’s the nature of faith - you’ve basically got your money on the idea that this path will lead you where you want to go.

And I guess, to make a long story short, after years and years of repeating the same questions to myself over and over and over again - I can’t honestly do anything else but withdraw my bet, and choose to bet on myself instead.

If you read that post from three years ago, you can see that already, I believed more strongly in human power than in any form of divine power - it seems to me that God is only some being onto whom we have projected the parts of ourselves of which we are most afraid, so as to withdraw our own responsibility and accountability: the powers of creation and destruction - ultimately, those most hallowed powers of heavenly beings - are deeply human acts at their core.  What we fear in ourselves, we give to an uncontrollable, unfathomable entity and in doing so absolve ourselves of any responsibility for our lives, our environment, our world, our universe.

I was raised Jewish - in varying degrees - and this has been a difficult road for me, asking myself again and again, whether or not I can honestly say I believe in God.

So finally, when the answer came back, a quiet but firm ‘no,’ - I realized that my own ‘religion’ had been taking shape for years behind me in place of what I had been calling a faith.  I don’t know if there is or is not a God - in this sense, semantically, I suppose you could call me agnostic (because, literally, I do not know) - but I do not ascribe to any religion or any faith, I do not believe in the colonization of the mind by another, without the free choice (which I did not have) of the individual.

In the overarching sense, I believe that we have sold our souls to the wrong magicians - that the man behind the curtain, so to speak, is nobody but our own tremendous power as human individuals, with free thought and free will. And despite what some in the religious community might have us believe, I do believe in moral absolutes - my morality is codified in legal norms which I do not believe came from God but like so many other things came from us, and when, confronted by the profound accomplishments we had made, we cowered and ascribed them to a higher being.

If you have to ask me what I believe in, I finally am ready to admit, that the answer is: myself.

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