New haircut.  New weather.  Autumn brings on a lot of changes, obviously.

I’m still pretty overwhelmed by life (that’s what this is supposed to help with) - but I’m trying to focus on the positive, because that’s what’s going to get me through all this.

So I know this is ridiculous (maybe) and my mother has been all over me about making “depressing sweeping generalizations” that would befit some depressive Russian alcoholic writer (don’t I sound like a lovely person?) ~ but I was watching one of my favorite shows last night and the last line was “are there any happy families?”

The first thing I said, of course, was a resounding no- that’s not surprising given I did not have a happy family and I can’t really imagine what it’s like to be in one.  But when my mom made some comment I found myself having to defend what I’d said, and it was easier than I thought.  What I came up with was: there are families that love each other, but there are no happy families.

My best friend would say, “existentially, nobody is really happy.”  (I can hear his words as I type that!) - and that might be true but it’s not what I’m talking about.

People weren’t meant to really love each other, except for maybe one other person.  A family is a group, with multiple people, all but 2 of which did not choose to be in that group or in that relationship.  So basically, family involves being stuck with two people (or more) that you didn’t choose, and probably wouldn’t have chosen had you been given the opportunity.

But we learn to love each other, the bonds of the group grow strong (some stronger than others), and that’s what makes a family.  The only truly happy family would be one where each member of the group had chosen to be there; since this is impossible you can only really say that  there are families who love each other, families who stick together for longer than others, etc - you can’t say they are happy because they are only making do with what was given them.

I come from a strange example of family; my experience of home is not one that I particularly idealize as it was fairly unpleasant at times (I have fought to make this a legitimate statement among my relatives) - but I do believe in family.  And I believe in choosing a partner, marrying, and all of that.  Or not marrying, and just being in love - that’s good too.   But that’s a contract entered into by 2 consenting adults who have the right to withdraw from it at any time, not so with children.

Family, as it exists in this world, is a social construct - it’s an instrument of maintaining social order, without it there would be very little foundation on which to build larger, more encompassing systems (read: government).  But it’s not about happiness, it’s about protection, order, reproduction, and social function.

So no, there are no happy families, only happy couples, and families who love each other.

And I don’t know about you, but I’d settle for having both.