Finally, we get a day where we have no real obligations. I can stay up late and play on the computer, chat with some old friends, and not worry about having to wake up early. Midterms are winding down, the families are back home safely (we love them though, of course), the Ducks kicked the shit out of USC, and well, life is really okay.
Except for all that angst that I can’t really take care of. Dreams of meeting god, nostalgia for disaster. It’s 3am, too early for sunrise, too late to go to bed. We’re all thinking of the places we want to be, we’re all contradictions.
That’s what I am, after all, if you haven’t guessed from my posts so far. I am a human contradiction. I am a free spirit who needs a long term relationship but is terrified of commitment, I am an artist of life who can’t create anything with her hands, I am an activist for peace applying for government jobs I can’t tell you about, I’m tough and aggressive but I take everything personally, I value family above all else yet mine hasn’t really given me an example for why to do so, I am strong yet I have been destroyed many times.
In a lot of ways, I am the result of the things that have happened to me. A childhood forgotten, a past I’ve buried so deep I can barely reach it now even when I want to, I talk about it all like it happened to another person but it’s all me - it’s all a part of me. I guess I rose from the ashes of a destroyed life, suddenly this person that I am and I’m still figuring out who she is.
I’m lucky though. I know I’m in love. I know I’ve got some pretty damn good things going for me. But I also know I’m failing in some aspects - academics have fallen by the wayside and, you know, suddenly my priorities have fallen elsewhere. My parents, reading this, will flip when they read that, but I realized I want to know what my life is like. I’m going to be 24, and I don’t know what the world is like. I want to know. I want to soak it in.
I want to buy a house in a bad neighborhood in DC and watch it grow, I want to fix it up with Liz and make a family there, keep these friends I’ve made, (my best friend, Liz’s best friend Ruben, Zahra, etc) I want them all to stay, I want this to be my life. I want to get sucked into this fantasy forever. I want to know how long I can make this good thing real. I want to exist. Outside of school. For once. Maybe I can do it, maybe it will result in failures. But it’s just a semester, and it’s just grades, and in the scheme of things, I’ll be fine. So it’s an experiment.
Now I have a theme for this blog:
An experiment in experiencing life. Don’t let me forget that, ok?
Currently playing: Erin Mckeown - Sing you Sinners
October 28, 2007 at 2:16 pm
Since very few of your posts will be tagged “football,” I had to comment on this one while I can:
The Ducks are fuckin’ loaded. I don’t know how they lost a game. They beat my pretty good Michigan team by 30.
PS. I thought you were a UW person. Get off the Oregon bandwagon. (Or is it just anyone who beats USC?)
…In other news, please settle on a layout. Some of us fear change. Thx.
October 29, 2007 at 1:28 pm
it’s not the OREGON bandwagon, it’s the PAC-10 bandwagon. And more narrowly, a Pacific Northwest bandwagon. Oregon DID beat *both* of my state teams *silent sobs* but they’re still roughly a home team for me since they’re closer to where I live than either of my state teams anyway. So there.
And yeah. Go Sox.