life, past due

I’ve been pulling my hair out lately.  I think I must have accidentally put a sign up somewhere that said, “Adults everywhere! Give free advice on what to do with my life! Hurry - Limited time only!!!”  Because - for real - every adult in my life, from most important academic mentor to parent to passing stranger has been throwing their 2 cents in on what I should do next year.  It’s going to be tough telling them all I plan to be a crack ho down on T St.

Ha.  That’s what I feel like saying though.  It’s gotten to where I think I’ve uncovered the ‘five stages of advice,’ or something like that: the nonchalant comment, the not-so-subtle hint, the negative reinforcement, the carrot-dangling, and the overt you-must-do-this-or-else-your-life-will-be-a-total-failure stages.  Law school!! Job!! Seattle!! DC!!! PhD!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Guess what I learned out of all of this: nobody really has my best interests at heart.  It’s a shitty, selfish world out there folks, and advice is just another brand of the same old bullshit.

This ties into something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently - the more painful parts of growing up, the parts you notice when you’re about 23 years old and your parents aren’t perfect anymore and neither are you, and suddenly there’s no safe haven to turn to in the world except whatever little hole you’ve carved out for yourself.

I think the hardest thing is not being able to follow 98% of that advice.  Especially when it comes from parents.  They give it, and you know they mean well, of course they mean well.  But sooner or later, as an adult with an independent mind, we’re all going to have to make our own informed decisions not to follow that advice.  And in not following that advice, we’ll somehow not quite be that person our parents wanted us to be.

Seattle University doesn’t sound as great to brag about as UW, UW doesn’t sound as great as Georgetown… you get the idea.   “My daughter and her girlfriend/partner” doesn’t sound as great (according to my parents, at least) as “my daughter and her boyfriend/fiancee.”

And it sucks, being old enough both to know that, and to realize that even though it sucks, I have to be nobody else’s girl but mine.  I think that’s the hardest part.  Growing up means you see everything, all the mystery of childhood is whisked away and everyones’ flaws (my own included) are painfully visible, any time I care to look.

I know I’ll never be the daughter(/friend/mentee/etc) that they wanted.  I tried the Ivy League scene, I tried dating boys, I tried that path, it’s not me.  I’m 23, and I’m too old now not to follow my heart.  I am who I am, and, mistakes included, I’m pretty happy with that person actually.  Piercings, tattoos, and all.  And I don’t have time to apologize for it all.  Which is part of growing up too.

My mentors, my childhood heroes, my parents, and my friends, all turned out different than who I thought they were when I was little.   It turns out, they’re people, with flaws, and they can be hurtful - but growing up is also (I’ve learned) about forgiving them and loving them anyway… so let’s see, I hope they’ll give me some room, and maybe try to forgive me (and love me anyway) too.