So I’m going against my own best judgment and blogging here, I rationalize it’s fine as long as I don’t say anything about work. So, no saying anything about work.
But I wanted to write here because, to be honest, there are some things about reading my LJ friends page that just drive me nuts. I mean, I’m not trying to be rude but it was better when it was just a thing that me and my highschool friends used to keep in touch during/after senior year. Most of the people I joined for don’t use it anymore, and I don’t really feel connected to it. This is so much better. It’s like, hi, I’m out here, I’m not asking you to read it, you don’t have to, but you’re welcome to come along and leave your thoughts if the Internet leads you this way. It’s just a better medium for my mind.
There’s some good news and some bad news really. I mean, last night I got my financial aid offer from University of the Pacific - WOW. Full tuition, free books, priority registration, AND $24,000/year stipend. Yeah. Of course I haven’t heard anything fin-aid wise from UW, and now the downside of that coin is that everyone is pushing me to go to Pacific when UW is a better school and now I have a deeply weakened argument as to why I ought to go to UW. So that’s stress. I really hope UW hurries up and offers me money, otherwise I’m going to be in a really bad position.
And then of course the other issue is working long hours AND going to school full time; it’s basically killing me. I love both, don’t get me wrong, it’s just, sometimes I forget how to be a human being. I was talking to my dad last night and he said, “You know, the world sees, well - your pace is 100 miles an hour… then they say, that’s good, because you have to go 120 mph to survive.” And that’s totally how I feel. Paper due (by extension) tonight that’s REALLY stressing me out and I haven’t really started, I mean, the research is done, but I haven’t written anything. I don’t know, I have no time anymore. I have no time to just, be alive.
And I think, you know, I’ll work hard in law school sure, but then afterwards I’ll be in a job where I’m high-ranking if not my own boss right away, I’ll be making bank, and I can set my own hours. But the truth is that I think all of us are telling ourselves that. At least, those of us who aren’t privileged enough to sit around all day jobless and existential, that’s what we have to tell ourselves.
I’m used to hard work so I don’t know where this existential bog is coming from. I think it has a lot to do with cultural expectations. Obviously - my family is European, there’s a different kind of cultural value placed on work vs. family/life etc. Eastern European no less. Here in America basically (and as a political scientist I’ve even read studies about this) - the world just uses you up and then spits you out when you’re 60. Our work (be it office or school or whatever) is seen as the sole reason we’re alive, as this godlike pillar to which our families and lives and dreams are secondary.
I want to work, I want to be a productive member of society, I want to excel in school, I want to be great - but I also want to be a human being. I have a partner, I want to have a family, my own cultural upbringing as well as my own beliefs tell me that family is the pillar to which all else is secondary. So how can I reconcile this?
I’ve been pretty miserable. My dreams are all terrifying and I can’t remember what it feels like to not be tired. It wouldn’t be so hard if I didn’t care so much about doing well at everything. But I feel like it’s numbing my soul, more and more.
The question presents itself: when have I finally proven myself? When is this all finally good enough? Will that moment ever come or will I be continually breaking myself just to make it through the day?
Reminding myself that I love my classes and my job and all of that will have to suffice, I suppose, until I find those answers.
