life, past due

I don’t know how many of you have been in the hospital? It’s an incredibly dehumanizing process, very violating, very invasive, I found it terrifying, lonely, and crushingly depressing.

I also realized, on top of that, how terrifying it is to have a serious illness, to be in serious pain and be at the total mercy of nurses, doctors, and basically total strangers.

Now I am trying to work out some things about my life; There was one doctor at the hospital, Dr. Zucker, who I really respected and liked a lot, and she told me all of the possible causes of pancreatitis. I know that it was most likely auto-immune, but the fact is I never want to feel that pain again, and I am suddenly acutely aware of how fragile my body is, and how careful I need to be with it, and how careless I have been in the past.

I’m seriously re-evaluating my choices in terms of how I take care of myself. Diet seems pretty obvious - I’m on a pretty severely restricted diet for about 6 weeks and clear liquids for at least this week. But more than that, I have begun to realize the negative effects of the chemicals I put in my body. Not just smoking or drinking or inorganic foods - but medicines too. Obviously, after my restricted diet ends, I am going to finally make the move to a completely organic diet (not vegetarian, but additive/etc free). No chemicals, no antibiotics, no nitrates - nothing but food in my food, thank you very much.

But the serious re-evaluation, the hard thinking, comes down to the other meds I’ve been taking. I have always believed in balance, and I’m not going to go radical and stop all medications including antibiotics and what-have-you, because I think that’s just as harmful as loading up on chemicals, but things, I think, will change.

It turns out that most of the medications I have been taking can cause pancreatitis as a fairly common side effect - can you imagine, I have been mindlessly loading my body with these powerful chemicals without even really understanding what they were capable of doing to me??

The fact is that as the patient, I am the consumer, and I have the right to make a choice about my care. I have the right to refuse any treatment, or to revoke consent at any time from any treatment; I will make sure that my decision is informed (that’s my responsibility to myself) but the decision is mine and it is my health care provider’s job to respect me and that decision.

I have also been looking for an herbalist in DC for a consultation. I know herbs are chemicals as well, and I’m not so excited about switching from one set to another, so that’s not the key, but I’d be interested to hear if there were some alternative pancreas-friendly options for me, or if there were some long-term natural diets I could try that might help prevent a relapse in the future.

I guess I am looking at this experience as a wake-up call. Though it’s true that there was probably an underlying genetic condition that obviously has nothing to do with me or my choices, I also think that this was in part my body telling me that I have not been respecting it. My week in the hospital was terrifying, soul crushing, miserable, painful, and I never want to repeat it, so I am making a promise to myself to start treating my body like it deserves to be treated, to question everything I choose to put in it, and to do everything I can to keep my pancreas, immune system, and everything else happy and running smoothly.

Wish me luck on my new journey, and share any tips if you have them.