I made the last two posts private because I realized that I was being overly harsh.
I realize why in the past, through high school and a lot of college, I chose anger…. everything is too complex when I try to actually figure it all out; it’s a lot easier just to be angry.
I think it’s why I don’t really know what to do with affection, how to react, how to be emotional. Except for anger. I’m good at being angry, I did it for so long it’s my fallback emotion. My baseline state. At least, outwardly. But beneath that I’m just as confused as everyone else is. At least, I assume everyone else is confused as well.
And by nature I am suspicious and uncomfortable about change.
And all of these things conspired together to (I fear) motivate me to act horribly while I was here this time.
It’s not my intention to drive anyone away. Not from me, not from my dad. It’s all just my twisted attempt at self protection, some weird instinct that kicks in, that I can’t control. For some reason I just think everything will be a lot better if I build a whole bunch of walls around myself and the people I’m used to. That I can magically keep everything exactly the same forever by just making myself into a human barrier.
I just hope, genuinely hope, that I haven’t done anything I can’t reverse.
Will I always go through my life feeling like such an idiot?
