I made the last two posts private because I realized that I was being overly harsh.
I realize why in the past, through high school and a lot of college, I chose anger…. everything is too complex when I try to actually figure it all out; it’s a lot easier just to be angry.
I think it’s why I don’t really know what to do with affection, how to react, how to be emotional. Except for anger. I’m good at being angry, I did it for so long it’s my fallback emotion. My baseline state. At least, outwardly. But beneath that I’m just as confused as everyone else is. At least, I assume everyone else is confused as well.
And by nature I am suspicious and uncomfortable about change.
And all of these things conspired together to (I fear) motivate me to act horribly while I was here this time.
It’s not my intention to drive anyone away. Not from me, not from my dad. It’s all just my twisted attempt at self protection, some weird instinct that kicks in, that I can’t control. For some reason I just think everything will be a lot better if I build a whole bunch of walls around myself and the people I’m used to. That I can magically keep everything exactly the same forever by just making myself into a human barrier.
I just hope, genuinely hope, that I haven’t done anything I can’t reverse.
Will I always go through my life feeling like such an idiot?
July 13, 2008 at 11:12 pm
I have no idea what the facts are, but I feel I can safely say you’re not an idiot…but you’ll go through life feeling that way until you understand that mistakes aren’t a negative commentary on a persons intelligence so much as a commentary on their humanity. To err is human, and as a result, to feel the fool is human.
On anger, I feel as if I likely imparted my feelings on the nature of anger, and the human capacity there for to you once or twice. The human capacity for love is only matched by the same for anger. Perhaps more ironically, its often the same things that provoke one of the two reactions. Sometimes it provokes both actions at once. The only problem with anger is when it is no longer tempered with love, when it smothers everything around it. Anger, however, is likewise necessary, and if you don’t get angry, its because you’re not interacting with tough issues.
“If you want to destroy something, you must surely make it flourish” - Tao Te Ching