life, past due

Do you believe in the prophet Elijah? We call him Eliyahu. I heard stories about him when I was little. He’s a great character, he always appears at strange moments, just when you’re giving up hope, just when your life is about to change, and gives you a choice, maybe a push in the right direction, maybe a twist of fate. He appears as different things, an indigent man, a donkey, whatever.

I’m reading Paolo Coelho’s The Alchemist to Liz at the moment, and we just passed the part of the story with Melchizedek, the King of Salem, who sets Santiago, the main character, on his way to his fortune. Melchizedek, means loosely in Hebrew, the King of Fortune, and his character is a pretty obvious interpretation of the mythical archetype of Eliyahu. He describes a story where he appears to a miner who, having given up everything in his life to mine for emeralds had found nothing for five years and was about to abandon the entire dream; Melchizedek appeared as a rock, which the miner, so angry at having found nothing, threw with such force against another stone that the stone it hit broke open to reveal the most beautiful emerald in the world.

I think this character, rather, I believe that this character, appears to everyone at some point(s) in their lives. People can always choose to ignore him, to walk past the indigent man on the street or not throw the stone or whatever. But I heard enough stories when I was little to always have my eyes open for him. I believe in the winds of change as well.

I had a conversation today that suddenly illuminated the ways in which I think this character has always appeared to me. I met with my program director, she just needed to sign a form for me, but she ended up being extremely rude and telling me that I had no chance of getting into the law school I wanted to because of my LSAT score and I shouldn’t even bother applying, that they wouldn’t even look at my application, she knew how it worked, and I should take her advice and not even try.

Now. My response was as follows. First I was hurt. I have a pretty good poker face as far as adults giving (bad) free advice are concerned, but it stung. Then I thought about it.  And I walked out of her office, really with a fire lit under my ass to go learn anything and everything about the fucking LSAT there is out there to learn, take it again in December, and fucking ace it so hard she’ll think I had someone take it for me.

Then I was sitting at home, thinking about how my life has gone, and why it was that I was so upset by what she said. When I was in high school, my number one choice of college was Mount Holyoke… ever since sophomore year, but I wasn’t a stellar student and I refused to take the SAT on principle… my college counselor said it was a lost cause and I didn’t stand a chance, I should apply to my state school and not waste my money on the application fee. I got pissed off, applied early decision I, and got in before anyone else in my class had gotten into college. He was so shocked when I told him he had to call the admissions director at MHC before he believed me enough to congratulate me. In college, senior year, my ex told me I didn’t have what it took to be a graduate student in the top program in the country, she said I didn’t have the strength of character to make it alone in the big city, that I wouldn’t survive a month, let alone 2 years. And here I am, a year and a half later, doing a damn fine job.

It struck me then. This is how he appears to me. Eliyahu, Melchizedek, the Lord of Fortune, appears to me not as the stone I throw in anger but as the person who tells me what I cannot do. Because it is that person who makes me go and do that thing, it’s that person who makes me want that thing even more.

And it’s true, after talking to my director today, if I didn’t want to go to law school before, damned if it’s not the only thing I want to do now.