November 13, 2007

in honor of the fact that i’ll be at her concert this weekend…

Posted by Astra under lyrics, personal | Tags: , , , , , |
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This is the first Ani song I ever heard. I bought the CD in high school, in 9th grade, first semester, basically my first week in the dorms. I put the CD in my roommate’s stereo and sat on the corner of my bunk bed wondering what was going to happen (I’d heard all sorts of things about this music), and it’s stuck with me somewhere ever since. So from 13 years old to 23, from one song to every album, I still find myself going back to this one song.  Out of all the Ani songs that would be perfect for this post, I choose Track One on the first Ani CD I ever bought.  (Which, in case you don’t know Ani like I do, is Imperfectly, which in 9th grade I picked out knowing nothing about Ani because I liked the title so much.)

if my life were a movie
there would be a sunset
and the camera would pan away
but the sky is just a little sister
tagging along behind the buildings
trying to imitate their gray
the little boys are breaking bottles
against the sidewalk
the big boys, too
the girls are hanging out at the candy store
pumping quarters into the phone
’cause they don’t want to go home

and i think,
what if no one’s watching
what it when we’re dead, we are just dead
what if it’s just us down here
what if god ain’t looking down
what if he’s looking up instead

if my life were a movie
i would light a cigarette
and the smoke would curl around my face
everything i do would be interesting
i’d play the good guy
in every scene
but i always feel i have to
take a stand
and there’s always someone on hand
to hate me for standing there
i always feel i have to open my mouth
and every time i do
i offend someone
somewhere

but what
what if no one’s watching
what if when we’re dead, we are just dead
what if there’s no time to lose
what if there’s things we gotta do
things that need to be said

you know i can’t apologize
for everything i know
i mean you don’t have to agree with me
but once you get me going
you better just let me go
we have to be able to criticize
what we love
say what we have to say
 ’cause if you’re not trying to make something better
then as far as i can tell
you are just in the way

i mean what
what if no one’s watching
what if when we’re dead
we are just dead
what if it’s just us down here
what if god is just an idea
someone put in your head

i mean what
what if no one’s watching
what if no one’s watching…

{what if no one’s watching}

Half the time I go through life silently, half the time I go through like a bull in a fucking china shop.  You know?  I teeter between fatalism and fear.  Sooner or later I’m gonna open my mouth and it’s gonna piss someone off real good, but I hate doing that, I really do, so maybe I should just be a good girl and stay quiet.  Ha.  In case you hadn’t guessed- I’ve never been very good at being a good girl.  I’m not settling for pissing people off, but dammit I just want to carve out an inch to be myself without the world always pushing back!

No, I don’t know who I am.  I don’t really know who I’m mad at.   But I do have a sense of who I’m growing into… I think?

So I guess this is I’m sorry, for my tedious reductions, my arrogant assumptions that life can fit on a page.  I’m sorry for the pain I feel and the pain I cause as I do all the growing up I saved until now to do.  I’m sorry for the tripping and the bumping and the falling that has to happen while I make my way through this for the first time.

Theme number 2 of this blog: forgiving.

Oh, thank god for music.  I’d never have survived without it.

 

November 12, 2007

oh make me over

Posted by Astra under personal | Tags: , , , |
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I’ve been pulling my hair out lately.  I think I must have accidentally put a sign up somewhere that said, “Adults everywhere! Give free advice on what to do with my life! Hurry - Limited time only!!!”  Because - for real - every adult in my life, from most important academic mentor to parent to passing stranger has been throwing their 2 cents in on what I should do next year.  It’s going to be tough telling them all I plan to be a crack ho down on T St.

Ha.  That’s what I feel like saying though.  It’s gotten to where I think I’ve uncovered the ‘five stages of advice,’ or something like that: the nonchalant comment, the not-so-subtle hint, the negative reinforcement, the carrot-dangling, and the overt you-must-do-this-or-else-your-life-will-be-a-total-failure stages.  Law school!! Job!! Seattle!! DC!!! PhD!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Guess what I learned out of all of this: nobody really has my best interests at heart.  It’s a shitty, selfish world out there folks, and advice is just another brand of the same old bullshit.

This ties into something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently - the more painful parts of growing up, the parts you notice when you’re about 23 years old and your parents aren’t perfect anymore and neither are you, and suddenly there’s no safe haven to turn to in the world except whatever little hole you’ve carved out for yourself.

I think the hardest thing is not being able to follow 98% of that advice.  Especially when it comes from parents.  They give it, and you know they mean well, of course they mean well.  But sooner or later, as an adult with an independent mind, we’re all going to have to make our own informed decisions not to follow that advice.  And in not following that advice, we’ll somehow not quite be that person our parents wanted us to be.

Seattle University doesn’t sound as great to brag about as UW, UW doesn’t sound as great as Georgetown… you get the idea.   “My daughter and her girlfriend/partner” doesn’t sound as great (according to my parents, at least) as “my daughter and her boyfriend/fiancee.”

And it sucks, being old enough both to know that, and to realize that even though it sucks, I have to be nobody else’s girl but mine.  I think that’s the hardest part.  Growing up means you see everything, all the mystery of childhood is whisked away and everyones’ flaws (my own included) are painfully visible, any time I care to look.

I know I’ll never be the daughter(/friend/mentee/etc) that they wanted.  I tried the Ivy League scene, I tried dating boys, I tried that path, it’s not me.  I’m 23, and I’m too old now not to follow my heart.  I am who I am, and, mistakes included, I’m pretty happy with that person actually.  Piercings, tattoos, and all.  And I don’t have time to apologize for it all.  Which is part of growing up too.

My mentors, my childhood heroes, my parents, and my friends, all turned out different than who I thought they were when I was little.   It turns out, they’re people, with flaws, and they can be hurtful - but growing up is also (I’ve learned) about forgiving them and loving them anyway… so let’s see, I hope they’ll give me some room, and maybe try to forgive me (and love me anyway) too.

 

November 1, 2007

friends and lovers

Posted by Astra under personal | Tags: , , |
1 Comment 

I’d like to make a list of things I want to do before I get too old to do them.

  • start a collection of vintage hats {and wear them frequently}
  • publish a short story {somewhere, anywhere}
  • get a rockstar NGO job
  • buy a french bulldog puppy
  • learn to speak Hungarian {the language of my heritage}
  • finally become stylish {and lose enough weight for it to work}
  • get back in touch with the friends from high school/college who meant so much to me
  • get over my hatred of New York
  • live near the pacific ocean, preferably in a blue house (don’t ask.)

I wanted to make this list because I’m not feeling well… for a number of reasons I think but basically I’ve been feeling crappy - tired, achy, generally crummy for the last three days or so, and lists like these remind me of things to be happy about and look forward to.

I had coffee (for 2 hours, thank you Woody Allen) with my best friend (for whom I put that reference up) this afternoon in Georgetown and it was wonderful. And last night Liz’s friend came over, dressed as Indiana Jones, complete with whip and cowboy hat, and it was great. Indiana Jones with ridiculous Southern accent. I told Liz the other night that I’ve got a year on her on this whole ‘growing up’ thing and the only thing I have figured out that I have learned is that the only thing we have is the people we know. Friends and lovers and the crossovers in between the two. Lovers who are friends and the friends we fall in love with. I think I learned this from the people I that I slept with accidently in my somewhat desperate search for this lesson, which is, strangely and beautifully and luckily for me the way I found my best friend, and also the very painful way I learned the lesson overall.

It’s not the money, it’s not the jobs we get (though those things, I can’t deny, are important - as I check my job postings six times a day *sigh*) - it’s the people we know, our own personal global networks. It’s the text messages I get from my friend in Portland saying “Happy Halloween, hobag!” and Facebook messages I get at midnight my time from South Korea from an old old friend whose value to me I can’t even begin to articulate. It’s Liz coming home from work and giving me a hug, asking how my day was. It’s coffee for 2 hours, and beer with Indiana Jones. It’s “hey, how are you?”

Somedays there isn’t much that gets me through my days. But there are some things that never fail. And that’s one lesson I’m glad I learned, no matter how painful the process was.

 


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