November 15, 2007

mass destruction

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My dad came into my room holding his hat
I knew he was leaving,
he sat on my bed told me some facts, son.
I have a duty, calling on me
You and your sister be brave my little soldier
And don’t forget all I told ya
Your the mister of the house now remember this
And when you wake up in the morning give ya momma a kiss
Then I had to say goodbye

Whether long range weapon or suicide bomber
A wicked mind is a weapon of mass destruction
Whether al Jazeera or BBC 1
Misinformation is a weapon of mass destruction
Whether Caucasian or a poor Asian
Racism is a weapon of mass destruction
Whether inflation or globalization
Fear is a weapon of mass destruction
Whether Halliburton or Enron or anyone
Greed is a weapon of mass destruction

In the morning woke momma with a kiss on each eyelid,
Even though I’m only a kid
Certain things can’t be hid
Momma grabbed me
Held me like I was made of gold
But left her inner stories untold
I said, momma it will be alright
When daddy comes home, tonight

Whether long range weapon or suicide bomber
A wicked mind is a weapon of mass destruction
Whether al Jazeera or BBC 1
Misinformation is a weapon of mass destruction
Whether Caucasian or a poor Asian
Racism is a weapon of mass destruction
Whether inflation or globalization
Fear is a weapon of mass destruction
Whether Halliburton or Enron or anyone
Greed is a weapon of mass destruction

We need to find courage, overcome
Inaction is a weapon of mass destruction
Inaction is a weapon of mass destruction
Inaction is a weapon of mass destruction

My story stops here, lets be clear
This scenario is happening everywhere
And you ain’t going to nirvana or farvana
You’re coming right back here to live out your karma
With even more drama than previously, seriously
Just how many centuries have we been
waiting for someone else to make us free
And we refuse to see
That people overseas suffer just like we
Bad leadership and ego’s unfettered and free
Who feed on the people they’re supposed to lead
I don’t need good people to pray and wait
For the lord to make it all straight
There’s only now, do it right.
Cos I don’t want your daddy, leaving home tonight

{Faithless ~ Mass Destruction}

I strongly recommend downloading this song.  It’s pretty fucking fantastic.   Faithless is an amazing group of artists with a constantly changing sound but consistently great lyrics and foundation in their music.

Plus, this song hits it.  Kind of amazing.

If you like Faithless - try checking out this music video, which is a North Korean Olympics-style game intro set to the music of a Faithless song, “More.”

 

November 13, 2007

in honor of the fact that i’ll be at her concert this weekend…

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This is the first Ani song I ever heard. I bought the CD in high school, in 9th grade, first semester, basically my first week in the dorms. I put the CD in my roommate’s stereo and sat on the corner of my bunk bed wondering what was going to happen (I’d heard all sorts of things about this music), and it’s stuck with me somewhere ever since. So from 13 years old to 23, from one song to every album, I still find myself going back to this one song.  Out of all the Ani songs that would be perfect for this post, I choose Track One on the first Ani CD I ever bought.  (Which, in case you don’t know Ani like I do, is Imperfectly, which in 9th grade I picked out knowing nothing about Ani because I liked the title so much.)

if my life were a movie
there would be a sunset
and the camera would pan away
but the sky is just a little sister
tagging along behind the buildings
trying to imitate their gray
the little boys are breaking bottles
against the sidewalk
the big boys, too
the girls are hanging out at the candy store
pumping quarters into the phone
’cause they don’t want to go home

and i think,
what if no one’s watching
what it when we’re dead, we are just dead
what if it’s just us down here
what if god ain’t looking down
what if he’s looking up instead

if my life were a movie
i would light a cigarette
and the smoke would curl around my face
everything i do would be interesting
i’d play the good guy
in every scene
but i always feel i have to
take a stand
and there’s always someone on hand
to hate me for standing there
i always feel i have to open my mouth
and every time i do
i offend someone
somewhere

but what
what if no one’s watching
what if when we’re dead, we are just dead
what if there’s no time to lose
what if there’s things we gotta do
things that need to be said

you know i can’t apologize
for everything i know
i mean you don’t have to agree with me
but once you get me going
you better just let me go
we have to be able to criticize
what we love
say what we have to say
 ’cause if you’re not trying to make something better
then as far as i can tell
you are just in the way

i mean what
what if no one’s watching
what if when we’re dead
we are just dead
what if it’s just us down here
what if god is just an idea
someone put in your head

i mean what
what if no one’s watching
what if no one’s watching…

{what if no one’s watching}

Half the time I go through life silently, half the time I go through like a bull in a fucking china shop.  You know?  I teeter between fatalism and fear.  Sooner or later I’m gonna open my mouth and it’s gonna piss someone off real good, but I hate doing that, I really do, so maybe I should just be a good girl and stay quiet.  Ha.  In case you hadn’t guessed- I’ve never been very good at being a good girl.  I’m not settling for pissing people off, but dammit I just want to carve out an inch to be myself without the world always pushing back!

No, I don’t know who I am.  I don’t really know who I’m mad at.   But I do have a sense of who I’m growing into… I think?

So I guess this is I’m sorry, for my tedious reductions, my arrogant assumptions that life can fit on a page.  I’m sorry for the pain I feel and the pain I cause as I do all the growing up I saved until now to do.  I’m sorry for the tripping and the bumping and the falling that has to happen while I make my way through this for the first time.

Theme number 2 of this blog: forgiving.

Oh, thank god for music.  I’d never have survived without it.

 

November 5, 2007

rescue me

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when i’ve lost my way
and i can’t turn back
when my fears are breakin
i’m under attack
when i’m down and i’m achin
will you come and rescue me?

when my dreams have fallen
and i can’t sleep
when the rivers are running
down both my cheeks
when i’m small and i’m shakin
will you come and rescue me?

carry me
to your safety
i will die in your caress
wash my body
lay me down
brush my knotted hair
i’ll let you
i won’t fight back tonight
i won’t fight back tonight
i won’t fight back tonight

when i’ve held so long
and i must let go
when i’m driving the wrong way
down a one-way road
when i can’t find my answers
will you come and rescue me

when my touch is cold
and i’m filled with dread
i’m tearing hairs out of my head
when i’m that little girl crawling into your bed
rescue me

carry me
to your safety
i’ll die in your caress
wash my body
lay me down
brush my knotted hair
i’ll let you
i won’t fight back tonight
i won’t fight back tonight

{kristin hoffman ~ rescue me}

 

October 24, 2007

if living is the problem, well then that’s just baffling…

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we’ve hit the 4am mark, and i promised lyrics, so here they are:

  I had one friend in high school recently he hung himself with string
His note said
“If livin’ is the problem, well that’s just baffling.”
And at the wake I waited around to see my ex first love
And I barely recognized her, but I knew exactly what she was thinking of
We sat quietly in the corner whispering close about loss
And I remembered why I loved her, and I asked her why I drove her off

She said
The slow fade of love
Its soft edge might cut you
And our poor friend, Jim
Well he just lived within
The slow fade of love

A woman calls my house once a week; she’s always selling things
Some charity, a phone plan, a subscription to a magazine
And as I turned her down, I always do, there was something trembling in her voice
I said
Hey, what troubles you?
She said
I’m surprised you noticed
Well, my husband, he’s leaving, and I can’t convince him to stay
And he’ll take our daughter with him, she wants to go with him anyway
I’m sorry I’m hard to live with, living is the problem for me
I’m selling people things they don’t want when I don’t know what you need

He said the slow fade of love
And its mist might choke you
It’s my gradual descent
Into a life I never meant
It’s the slow fade of love

I was driving south of Melrose; I happened upon my old lover’s old house
I found myself staring at the closed up door like the day she threw me out
“Dianna, Dianna, Dianna I would die for you
I’m in love with you completely, I’m afraid that’s all I can do”
She said
“You can sleep upon my doorstep, you can promise me indifference, Jim
But my mind is made up, and I’ll never let you in again”

For the slow fade of love
It might hit you from below
It’s your gradual descent
Into a life you never meant
It’s the slow fade of love
{Rilo Kiley - A Man/Me/Then Jim}

That song is just so amazing.  I had it blasting on repeat in the car all day today.  Been in that kind of mood I guess.  Nostalgia always gets the best of me, no matter how hard I fight, and damn, this is a nostalgic song for someone who’s had her share of relationships.

Anyway.  Back to work.

Currently playing: My Favorite Highway - Calendar Marks 

 

October 19, 2007

mean goodbye

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well there’s buildings in this here town
rise above the tallest mountains
the sky up there will watch you
with an unforgiving eye

and there are bridges in this here town
like statuettes in little fountains

there ain’t nothin like a mountain
if you’re looking to get high

well this whole place
it really don’t become me
there ain’t no way
to explain why

there are drugs and there are lovers
but my friend there ain’t no other
there ain’t nothing like a mountain
if you’re lookin to get high

well there’s sadness in a woman’s eyes
salty as a shallow ocean
as she’ll stare at you for ages
till your throat is hot and dry

yeah they’re movement knows no boundary
ain’t no comfort in her motion
there ain’t nothin like a woman
for to learn you how to cry

this whole place it really don’t become me
there ain’t no way
to explain why

there are friends are there are lovers
we must choose one or the other
there ain’t nothing like a woman
for to learn you how to cry

well there’s money in this here town
stained with guilt of those who made it
sharp regrets the ones who lost it
or the ones that it’s led astray

well the money in this town
stacks up taller than the buildings
in pursuit of all that money
we might piss our lives away

in this whole place it really don’t become me
there ain’t no way to explain why

there are men and there are dollars
those that lead
and the ones who follow

there ain’t no thing like an airplane
to let ‘em know you mean goodbye

there ain’t no thing like an airplane
to let ‘em know you mean goodbye

That’s more AJ Roach, “Mean Goodbye.”  You can download it here. I don’t know if I can point to one particular place in that song that fits me most.  I can’t believe I had never heard this music before Liz - it’s symbolic of our relationship how much her taste in music has changed my life.

I’ve spent my whole life leaving places.  I left home when I was 13, and never looked back.  I left Washington when I was 18, to a new life in a place I idealized - I thought New England was the symbol of success for me.  After four years at an Ivy, I gave up New England for DC, where I thought I’d find… well, I don’t know what I thought I’d find.

I grow tired of places.  Tired of Washington, tired of New England, tired now of DC… but more than that I’m tired of saying goodbye.

Let’s find a place, let’s buy a house, let’s settle down.  Anywhere but… oddly enough, New England.

 

October 17, 2007

scott county

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I don’t usually spend a lot of time missing home.

I come from a small town in Washington State - one that doesn’t really have a lot to offer a metropolitan soul such as myself.   And by small town, I mean small town. Population roughly 3500, doubles during agricultural season.  I live on 10 acres of desert/farmland.  This town raised me, to be sure - but it also broke me in more ways than I can count.  I grew up knowing I needed more, but not knowing what kind of world existed beyond the boundaries of my little rural town.  I suffered.  And I grew.

I think it goes without saying that I can’t imagine myself ever living there again, or ever being a part of that existence.  I’m a city person.  I need the noise.  But…. nostalgia has a way of getting what it wants, no matter how hard you fight.  And there are some things that I truly believe we can only understand if we grow up in a small town.

Liz played a song for me a while ago, and when I heard it I could barely contain myself from weeping, just breaking down.  Here are the lyrics, I’ll share them with you and maybe you can understand how I feel about my home.

T he song is “Scott County” by AJ Roach.  I hadn’t heard of him until Liz introduced me.

Scott County is a habit
some find hard to break
first freeze is in October
lasting out the first of May

it’s beauty is not rivaled
in the western hemisphere
so they say
the hemisphere don’t stretch out
past the state lines anyway

but i have seen stretches of green
that run the length of day

Scott County is a woman
want to treat you like a child
the more you try to hate her
the more she’ll make you smile
and the more you try to stand up straight
the more you’ll lean against
the crooked lines
stone shoulders
the rusted barbed wire fence

Scott County is a hand-out
that some find hard to take
well I left home at 17
not a penny to my name
no sense of where I came from
and a vague of idea of where I meant to go

but, God I miss the dust
that gathers at my gravel road

God I miss the dust
that gathers at my gravel road

It’s too amazing.  I think I’m going to write more on this later.  I’m escaping at a coffee shop right now.  But I needed to fill this space a bit, and I think this song is a good introduction to who I am.

 

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