This is the first Ani song I ever heard. I bought the CD in high school, in 9th grade, first semester, basically my first week in the dorms. I put the CD in my roommate’s stereo and sat on the corner of my bunk bed wondering what was going to happen (I’d heard all sorts of things about this music), and it’s stuck with me somewhere ever since. So from 13 years old to 23, from one song to every album, I still find myself going back to this one song. Out of all the Ani songs that would be perfect for this post, I choose Track One on the first Ani CD I ever bought. (Which, in case you don’t know Ani like I do, is Imperfectly, which in 9th grade I picked out knowing nothing about Ani because I liked the title so much.)
if my life were a movie
there would be a sunset
and the camera would pan away
but the sky is just a little sister
tagging along behind the buildings
trying to imitate their gray
the little boys are breaking bottles
against the sidewalk
the big boys, too
the girls are hanging out at the candy store
pumping quarters into the phone
’cause they don’t want to go home
and i think,
what if no one’s watching
what it when we’re dead, we are just dead
what if it’s just us down here
what if god ain’t looking down
what if he’s looking up instead
if my life were a movie
i would light a cigarette
and the smoke would curl around my face
everything i do would be interesting
i’d play the good guy
in every scene
but i always feel i have to
take a stand
and there’s always someone on hand
to hate me for standing there
i always feel i have to open my mouth
and every time i do
i offend someone
somewhere
but what
what if no one’s watching
what if when we’re dead, we are just dead
what if there’s no time to lose
what if there’s things we gotta do
things that need to be said
you know i can’t apologize
for everything i know
i mean you don’t have to agree with me
but once you get me going
you better just let me go
we have to be able to criticize
what we love
say what we have to say
’cause if you’re not trying to make something better
then as far as i can tell
you are just in the way
i mean what
what if no one’s watching
what if when we’re dead
we are just dead
what if it’s just us down here
what if god is just an idea
someone put in your head
i mean what
what if no one’s watching
what if no one’s watching…
{what if no one’s watching}
Half the time I go through life silently, half the time I go through like a bull in a fucking china shop. You know? I teeter between fatalism and fear. Sooner or later I’m gonna open my mouth and it’s gonna piss someone off real good, but I hate doing that, I really do, so maybe I should just be a good girl and stay quiet. Ha. In case you hadn’t guessed- I’ve never been very good at being a good girl. I’m not settling for pissing people off, but dammit I just want to carve out an inch to be myself without the world always pushing back!
No, I don’t know who I am. I don’t really know who I’m mad at. But I do have a sense of who I’m growing into… I think?
So I guess this is I’m sorry, for my tedious reductions, my arrogant assumptions that life can fit on a page. I’m sorry for the pain I feel and the pain I cause as I do all the growing up I saved until now to do. I’m sorry for the tripping and the bumping and the falling that has to happen while I make my way through this for the first time.
Theme number 2 of this blog: forgiving.
Oh, thank god for music. I’d never have survived without it.
